sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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