Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
