why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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