jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
