Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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