bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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