You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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