if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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