I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
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Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
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Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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