I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
