I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
