what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
