Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
