my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
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I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
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Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
pray to the hookup gods
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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