you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
