FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just high enough for therapy.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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