it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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