NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
