you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
