someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
