i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i wish my penis had a tongue
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
