If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
