Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
