I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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