You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
