I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
