lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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