that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
