nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
