you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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