He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
