This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I supernannyed him into submission
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
