At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
