when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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