did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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