This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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