cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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