Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
