She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
