I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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