Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
