i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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