ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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