you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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