i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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