she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
