I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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