i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
