Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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