i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
