you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
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