I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize