He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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