yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
